ABIGAIL Starring: Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Alisha Weir, William Catlett, Kathryn Newton, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud, and Giancarlo Esposito Director: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett ADRIANO A word of advice: it might be best to go into Abigail without the mindset that it's a horror film because the overbearing score and overall tone make the film seem more like a heist thriller, for better and for worse. That said, while some of the rules in the writing are nonsensical and the third act goes too far off the rails, I had way too much fun with Abigail . The entire ensemble works off each other amazingly, and once the shit hits the fan, it's an ultra-gory blast that made me forgive its obvious shortcomings. AMARÚ Sometimes, I wish Giancarlo Esposito just wasn’t in a movie because he’s the sole reason I decided to see Abigail . While I don’t regret watching, it did nothing to sway me towards liking horror. The Radio Silence directorial team brings flashes of Clue and Murder by Death to this horror comedy, but it’s nowhere near funny enough or clever enough to reach those heights. People still make dumb decisions, characters are still cliché, and even though Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, and a stand-out Kevin Durand try to bring some nuance, they don’t bring quite enough to say it’s anything more than fine. PAIGE While Abigail may get off to a slow start, once the game of cat and mouse begins, the movie really picks up steam and takes off. It becomes a bloody blast! Directing team Radio Silence succeeds in crafting an excellent blend of horror and comedy with this vampire flick. If you’ve seen the trailers, you know what to expect from the movie, and while it may not reinvent the wheel in any way, it’s an utter delight. This campy gore fest is a hell of a ride, thanks to its charismatic cast, who elevate the story with their performances. KATIE Abigail is a ridiculously fun time that had me both laughing out loud and wincing at the gore. It's unashamedly camp and excessive, and Alisha Weir is amazing in the titular role, moving effortlessly between adorable and menacing. Despite the stale dialogue, the ensemble cast each make the most of their roles and have great chemistry. My only issue is that it's slightly overlong, not knowing when to end its finale. I imagine I would not have been as impressed had I seen the trailer and known the premise, but going in blind made this a bloody and fun surprise. PRESTON Abigail may be a victim of its own trailer, as what would have otherwise been a spine-tingling revelation serves as a mundane step in the plot marching forward. Instead, this gory vampire flick proceeds with a predictable unfolding of events that doesn’t break any known molds. While not self-serious, it still doesn’t come close to the campy cleverness of Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett’s previously directed Ready or Not. One highlight is a dance scene set to the awesomely chilling sounds of Danzig's “Blood and Tears” (I won’t mention the stupidly conflicting effects of the exposure to the sunlight, though…oh, oops). CALEB When Alisha Weir gets to do her thing, Abigail is a blast. The movie is at its best when the tiny vampire queen is running amok, but there just isn’t enough of her doing that. The other cast members dominate the runtime, and they aren’t nearly as entertaining as she is. By the third act, Abigail (Weir) gets sidelined by another, much lamer antagonist, and it results in a convoluted, unsatisfying conclusion that caps off the movie on a low note. I still had a good time with Abigail , but I wish it played to its strengths and let lil’ Abby have a bit more fun.

ISS Starring: Ariana DeBose, Chris Messina, Pilou Asbæk, John Gallagher Jr., Costa Ronin, and Maria Mashkova Director: Gabriela Cowperthwaite QUENTIN As far as B-movies go, especially those that get quietly dumped in theaters during the doldrums of January, I.S.S. offers enough tense astronaut-related thrills to keep one entertained for 95 minutes. Yeah, it’s predictable, and sure, it will remind you of everything from Gravity to Pandorum to Stowaway to even Alien , but still… Given the context of the release and dearth of expectations surrounding I.S.S. , it does a solid job of building the claustrophobic paranoia necessary to make this simple story work. Add in the fact that the story is plausible, not to mention the moral questions it asks, I’d call it a pleasant surprise. KATIE I.S.S. presents a simple yet compelling concept that makes the most of its unique setting. Exploring the dynamics of a group of astronauts amid mounting paranoia and distrust, it generates a sense of palpable tension that is emphasised by growing external threats. However, despite its strong start and impressive visuals on a limited budget, I found it lost some of its initial sense of dread while also lacking some of the excitement and heightened threat found in other space thrillers. That said, this is a fun watch that sustained my interest, and it’s elevated by engaging performances. PAIGE As opposed to aliens, the major threat in I.S.S. actually is the monster that exists inside of us. This gripping sci-fi thriller presents a clever concept, but unfortunately falls short due to its lack of stakes. Nevertheless, it's still captivating enough to hold viewers' attention. Plus, director Gabriela Cowperthwaite does a fine job of making the most of the claustrophobic tension inside the spaceship while also making sure that I.S.S. remains a character-driven drama despite the main action taking place on Earth. NICK With January being a bit of a down month for film quality, I wouldn’t be surprised to see I.S.S. gain a little traction. The unsettling premise survives on its frighteningly possible real-world implications (which dials the tension up to 11) and solid ensemble, featuring the burgeoning Ariana DeBose alongside a The Newsroom reunion of John Gallagher Jr. and Chris Messina. Although it doesn’t quite reach the heights it aims for, it’s never not engaging as it harkens back to the days of 1990s B-movies. It's not going to light the world on fire, but it’ll make for a more than serviceable movie night.

DEATHSTALKER Starring: Daniel Bernhardt, Christina Orjalo, Paul Lazenby, Nina Bergman, Nicholas Rice, and Patton Oswalt Director: Steven Kostanski This film has been reviewed by Nick and Quentin as part of Bitesize Breakdown's coverage of Fantastic Fest 2025. QUENTIN As a big fan of Steven Kostanski’s 80s tributes Psycho Goreman and Frankie Freako , not to mention having an affinity for old-school sword-and-sorcery movies, I was super excited for Deathstalker . On the surface, it has everything I’d want in a modern homage to movies like Krull : terrific practical effects, lovingly shoddy visual effects, fantastic creature design, and self-aware weirdness. So, I’m puzzled as to why I found it so flat and (mostly) lacking in fun. It’s almost like Kostanski is showing too much reverence for the genre, so it veers into being too self-serious. Perhaps this is an expectations problem, and a second viewing is needed. NICK It's clear that director Steven Kostanski put the same level of care into Deathstalker as he did with his previous efforts Psycho Goreman and Frankie Freako , but unfortunately he forgot to add the fun of those two films. Kostanski's trademark creature design and practical effects are here - and honestly better than ever - but it just feels like something is missing. It's great to see that some of his other skills keep improving, but when the protagonist in an adventure film goes on a quest, you should sit back and enjoy the ride. Deathstalker has its merits, but enjoyment isn’t really its strong suit.

NOW YOU SEE ME: NOW YOU DON'T Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, Isla Fisher, Justice Smith, Dominic Sessa, Ariana Greenblatt, Rosamund Pike, and Morgan Freeman Director: Ruben Fleischer ADRIANO I'm approaching Now You See Me: Now You Don't as someone who didn't like the other two, but aware that others really like them. With that, I found it as messy as the other films, with some additional bloat due to all the new characters. Simply put, I didn't find it that enjoyable, aside from Rosamund Pike's over-the-top campy villain. As a bonus, the big twist made me wonder if everything I saw was a waste of time. That said, I also didn't think it was especially better or worse than the others, so if you're excited, I can't imagine you won't enjoy yourself. AMARÚ I’ll always watch these silly magic movies no matter how dumb. But even though I had some fun with Now You See Me: Now You Don’t , it’s clearly a product of diminishing returns. Between its surface-level plot and the “gee whiz look at this” dialogue underselling a more than capable ensemble, this is the first entry where trying to dazzle the audience was more important than making a competent movie. What’s worse is that the end reveal showed promise of the good film it could’ve been. Too bad the build up didn’t trust the audience or cast enough with a more intelligent story.

BLOODY AXE WOUND Starring: Sari Arambulo, Molly Brown Billy Burke, Sage Spielman, Matt Hopkins, Angel Theory, Eddie Leavy, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan Director: Matthew John Lawrence KATIE Bloody Axe Wound presents a unique approach to the slasher genre combined with an unconventional coming-of-age narrative, resulting in an entertaining but uneven film. The teenage romance is sweet, but I struggled to reconcile the coming-of-age themes with the horror-comedy, especially since it's much funnier when it leans into the absurdity and hilariously gratuitous gore. Eddie Leavy is hysterical as Glenn, stealing every scene, but the comedy is sometimes impeded by the varying tone. Although it didn’t quite hit the mark for me, Bloody Axe Wound offers a fun, fresh, and gloriously bloody experience for genre fans. NICK Bloody Axe Wound doesn’t get off to a very good start, but as the film progressed, its B-movie charms started to win me over a little. The mix of electric rock music and gnarly kills satisfies the throwback horror vibes, but it’s telling a more grounded story of parental pressures through that lens that adequately layers it. Sari Arambulo (Abbie Bladecut) is a serviceable lead who is able to balance the campiness and terror the film requires, but the rest of the cast is fairly replaceable due to poor character development. For a film built around a father/daughter dynamic, I needed more scenes exploring that.

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THE PIANO LESSON Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, John David Washington, Ray Fisher, Michael Potts, Erykah Badu, Skylar Aleece Smith, Danielle Deadwyler, and Corey Hawkins Director: Malcolm Washington NICK What you have here is another great addition to the August Wilson feature film list. As with many play adaptations, The Piano Lesson is a showcase of actors acting. John David Washington is the most charismatic he’s been since Ballers , Danielle Deadwyler should hear her name come Oscar time, and Ray Fisher gives what may be his strongest performance, period. It’s all put together by strong direction from Malcolm Washington (man, that’s a talented family), who does a good job getting that “film feel” within the confines of a single space. Let the August Wilson adaptations continue! ADRIANO The Piano Lesson sports an incredible ensemble of actors giving it their all, especially Danielle Deadwyler, who carries the movie every time she's on screen. Sadly, that ensemble is the film's brightest spot because, overall, I found the film to be pretty messy. It isn't awful, and unlike previous August Wilson adaptations (Fences and Ma Rainey's Black Bottom ), director Malcolm Washington gives this more liveliness than a stagey feel. However, its themes of legacy and family are so lost in the film's many subplots that once the film reached its resolution, I didn't feel anything. AMARÚ The Piano Lesson is an actor’s showcase that puts director Malcolm Washington’s visual eye on full display in his feature debut. His intimate use of lighting and framing takes another August Wilson play that slightly suffers from being acts put to screen instead of a cinematic screenplay, and keeps your eyes fully focused on the talent relaying those lines. Its strong themes of legacy, history, and family are carried by a forceful ensemble and a chilling score, and even though I watched a play inside a television set, I also saw great actors do what they do. That alone was worth the watch. KATIE I was not surprised to learn that The Piano Lesson is an adaptation of a play since it’s very stagey without feeling cinematic. I was painfully aware that it takes place in a singular setting, which was exacerbated by the uneven pacing, misplaced score, and many lengthy monologues. I find that John David Washington usually lacks emotional range, but here he is almost too animated, especially compared to the other, more grounded yet impactful performances. Together with the many competing subplots, The Piano Lesson succeeds in showcasing some great actors, but it failed to grip me in any meaningful way. This film was reviewed by Nick and Adriano as part of Bitesize Breakdown's coverage of the 2024 Toronto International Film Festival.

EVIL DOES NOT EXIST Starring: Hitoshi Omika, Ryo Nishikawa, Ryuji Kosaka, and Ayaka Shibutani Director: Ryûsuke Hamaguchi PAIGE Evil Does Not Exist is a slow-paced, peaceful story about humans and their relationship with nature, as well as a commentary on the importance of preserving our natural resources. With a fantastic score and beautiful scenes throughout, I found myself more and more interested until I reached the third act. While I thought that the story would play out one way, the third act takes a somewhat out-of-the-blue turn that feels a bit abrupt and out of place. I didn't see it coming, that’s for sure, and maybe the metaphoric ending just needed more lead up to make sense. ADRIANO Not many directors can make an elongated wood-chopping sequence captivating, but that's what Ryûsuke Hamaguchi pulls off in Evil Does Not Exist as he takes on the environmental crisis with care and insight. The landscapes of the film are stunningly well shot, and the characters on both sides are handled with depth in a way that doesn't villainize anyone. Unfortunately, the final ten minutes take a turn for the worst, feeling like a completely different film that ditches the subtly for thrills. All in all, a once brilliant film that falls flat in the end. This film was reviewed by Adriano and Paige as part of Bitesize Breakdown's coverage of the 2023 Toronto International Film Festival and the 2023 New York Film Festival, respectively.

THE WONDERFUL STORY OF HENRY SUGAR Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Ralph Fiennes, Dev Patel, Ben Kingsley, Rupert Friend, and Richard Ayoade Director: Wes Anderson QUENTIN Full disclosure: I’m not a Wes Anderson fan. I find his work to be style over substance, resting entirely on his personal brand of twee whimsy, candy-colored pastels, and hipster aesthetics. So, it should come as no surprise when I say that I hated The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar . Even at just 38 minutes, it was painful to endure. The actors don’t so much give performances as they are reading Roald Dahl’s story to you, complete with fourth-wall breaks, acting it out in the way you might act out a bedtime story for your kids. Meanwhile, Anderson bludgeons you to death with his trademark style. KATIE The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar is director Wes Anderson doing what he does best for just shy of 40 minutes. It’s sharp, meticulously designed, and the starry cast perfectly delivers the dry, witty dialogue in Anderson’s signature style. Roald Dahl’s distinctive authorial voice, alongside the fact that the source material is about storytelling, marries perfectly with Anderson’s unique aesthetic and habit of drawing attention to the artifice of filmmaking. Whereas I found this approach irritating in some of his previous films, mostly in The French Dispatch , it’s delightful in this case, emphasizing the quirky, whimsical nature of the story. PHILL Wes Anderson films often feel akin to watching a stage play as opposed to more conventional films, and The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar takes that idea even further. This is almost like watching a picture book come to life. The dialogue is rapid even by Anderson standards, and the movie is filled with his usual thematic fashion of pastel-coloured symmetrical shots, not to mention the entertaining performances. Still, whilst very enjoyable, it’s a far cry from being Wes Anderson’s best work. It’s too fast and too quirky for its own good, often feeling like it is trying to speedrun the Roald Dahl story. CALEB The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar is a delightful way to spend forty minutes. Unsurprisingly, director Wes Anderson and author Roald Dahl are a match made in heaven. Nearly everything about Anderson’s signature style compliments the fantastical source material: the dry wit, the whimsy, the dollhouse aesthetic…it all works perfectly in tandem with Dahl’s story. The whole cast does a good job too, but Dev Patel particularly stands out, easily providing the most entertaining performance here. Henry Sugar is a fun, thoughtful little story, and an easy recommendation for Wes Anderson and Roald Dahl fans alike. This film was reviewed by Quentin as part of Bitesize Breakdown's coverage of the 2023 Venice International Film Festival.

THE BEEKEEPER Starring: Jason Statham, Emmy Raver-Lampman, Josh Hutcherson, Bobby Naderi, Minnie Driver, Phylicia Rashad, David Witts, and Jeremy Irons Director: David Ayer NICK If you're coming to The Beekeeper looking for innovation, intricate storytelling, and Shakespearean dialogue, then obviously you'll bee highly disappointed. In fact, expectations are going to bee the main thing working against Beekeeper as it probably shouldn't have been a theatrical release. Beekeeper is filled with by-the-numbers action, a plethora of bee references, and Jason Statham doing his best Terminator impression. Something like that could have caught on as a streaming release, but when you're asking people to pay money, it's just not up to snuff. Although it gets credit for beeing self aware, Beekeeper just doesn’t justify a theatrical release… and that stings. AMARÚ In the movie doldrums of January, The Beekeeper is exactly the cathartic revenge fantasy you want to watch: Jason Statham beating the shit out of assholes who need to die. It’s funny enough (intentional and otherwise) to add to the entertainment, and takes itself seriously enough to make you care. And that’s what these movies need - a semblance of care - in order to work. Then, all of the other ridiculousness falls right into its gleeful, violent place. Plus, the ensemble is excellent in picking just the right amount of schlock to elevate this to the best “Jason Statham” movie I’ve seen in years. ADRIANO If you've ever seen a Jason Statham movie, you've seen The Beekeeper . It’s 100 minutes of Statham making one face as he encounters no real danger, which makes all the action tensionless, aside from one fight scene towards the end that has some weight. Also, for an R-rated movie, the violence is mostly bloodless. Mix in the nonsensical plot and really bad supporting performances, the only thing worthwhile about this movie is the comical amount of bee puns. I'm sure some will have more fun with this than I did, but I did not enjoy it at all. CALEB As far as John Wick clones go, The Beekeeper could have been a lot worse. The world-building, character work, and dialogue are all pretty mediocre, but the action is just fun enough to keep the ship afloat. Sure, there’s a few too many jump-cuts, but the choreography is stellar and, as always, Jason Statham gives a great physical performance. It kept me entertained throughout the first half, but it somewhat lost me once it started taking itself too seriously. It won’t change your life, but if you’re looking for a competently made action flick, then The Beekeeper might just be up your alley. PRESTON There are really only three things wrong/unrealistic with David Ayer’s The Beekeeper : first is the terrible blue hat that doesn’t quite look right on Jason Statham’s head; second is the ability to turn off a fire alarm for an entire house with the push of a single button; and finally, the irresponsible wasting of farmer’s market quality honey that hurts one’s soul. Everything else was super realistic *smirk* and, given its intentions, top-notch. Statham’s teep kick continues to be on-point, and Bobby Naderi and Josh Hutcherson put up nice performances in this fun, John Wick -esque B-action film. KATIE If you’re not prepared to enjoy hilariously bad dialogue, non-stop action, Jason Statham doing his best stoic Jason Statham performance, and an abundance of terrible bee puns, this is not the film for you. However, if you’re looking for a paint-by-numbers action flick with plenty of violence, vigilante justice, and a barely legible premise, The Beekeeper is really quite fun! Statham is undeniably engaging, and whilst some of the combat sequences become a little monotonous and the performances are unconvincing, it's a good bit of mindless entertainment. QUENTIN The Beekeeper features Jason Statham Stathaming as hard as he has ever Stathamed, and for me, that’s all I need from movie like this. It’s a delightfully retro action movie that doesn’t make a ton of sense — the kind that would have starred Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone in the early 90s — but you aren’t coming to The Beekeeper for mental stimulation and substance. You come to watch a badass mow through faceless goons as he dispenses vigilante justice and spouts one-liners. Is it good? Not technically. Is it enjoyable? You better BEE-lieve it.

CASSANDRO Starring: Gael García Bernal, Roberta Colindrez, Perla De La Rosa, Joaquín Cosío, Raúl Castillo, Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, and El Hijo del Santo Director: Roger Ross Williams AMARÚ Gael García Bernal is a revelation as the titular character in Cassandro . He’s a mesmerizing figure you can’t keep your eyes off, carrying the film’s seemingly purposeful impromptu qualities with unwavering charisma. Like the underground lucha libre matches Cassandro starts with, the movie feels grimy and urgent, with messages too important not to get right the first time. Its pacing, fight choreography, and Creed -like score embody the hunger that Bernal infuses in his portrayal of the real-life trailblazer. Cassandro , the film and the performance, is an intimate portrait of perseverance and personal awakening that is truly captivating. CALEB There’s a lot to love about Cassandro , but I think it could’ve packed more of a punch. I’m all for subtlety, but the film feels too restrained for such an eccentric character. The quiet, intimate moments are executed beautifully, but the ring-side action is consistently underwhelming. The cinematography during these sequences feels distant and static, failing to match the exciting physicality of Gael García Bernal’s performance. There’s no denying that this is a great story, but I wish it was told with more of the signature flair that Cassandro (Bernal) brought to the sport. PHILL Cassandro is filled with moments that should be awe-inspiring and uplifting, but it often fails to leave an impact in the ring, hurt far too often by a cyclic, bland score that seriously hinders several key scenes. The biopic of Saúl Armendáriz (Gael García Bernal) isn’t a complete disaster, but it does feel rushed and undercooked, with too many character actions being inconsequential to the plot because the story structure lacks focus and breathing room. However, dressed in impeccable costume design, Bernal carries Cassandro in a genuinely endearing and exceptional performance, encapsulating everything fabulous about the “Liberace of Lucha Libre.”

CARNAGE FOR CHRISTMAS Starring: Jeremy Moineau, Chris Asimos, Dominique Booth, Lewi Dawson, Olivia Deeble, Lisa Fanto, Molly Ferguson, Patty Glavieux, and Betsey Brown Director: Alice Maio Mackay This film has been reviewed by Paige and Quentin as part of Bitesize Breakdown's coverage of the 2024 Fantasia International Film Festival. QUENTIN Given that this is an uber micro-budgeted film from a 19-year-old director that somehow has six features under her belt, I suppose I’ll give Carnage for Christmas an “A for effort.” That said, this thing is bad, man. It’s like a student film you’d find on YouTube. The acting is really rough, some of the visual flourishes are incredibly cheesy, the acceptance messaging is over-the-top preachy, and, honestly, it’s barely even a Christmas horror movie. Other than a Santa suit, this movie could have taken place in July without much changing. At only 70 minutes, this felt much longer and tremendously lacking. PAIGE Alice Maio Mackay’s queer, Santa-slashing, mystery movie Carnage for Christmas lacks the traditional horror and holiday spirit it is going for. This amateurish, low-budget film truly feels like an R-rated, wannabe Nancy Drew knockoff built on lifeless performances and cringe worthy dialogue. The film's visually distinct, almost overexposed, aesthetic is another flaw on top of the 70-minute runtime that is surprisingly sluggish. I hate to say it, but with all things considered, this movie deserves to be on the naughty list for how bad it is.