QUARTERBACK: PAUL “WRECKING” CREWE, THE LONGEST YARD

Specifically, I’m talking about the 1974 version of the character played by Burt Reynolds, not the 2005 version played by Adam Sandler. Nothing against Sandler, but Reynolds was a scholarship football player at Florida State, so his Crewe clearly has a more athletic build and probably better skillset than Sandler’s Crewe. Plus, real talk, quarterbacks in the 70s were just tougher than they are today. That notwithstanding, in his one on-screen game, he (eventually) shows composure, grit, determination, and leadership as he wills his team back from a 35-13 deficit against a dirty team not playing by the rules. He demonstrates incredible accuracy, the ability to make plays with his legs, and a solid game IQ. He’s also a former NFL MVP, so the talent is there to be an elite fantasy QB.

RUNNING BACK: JULIAN “J-MAN” WASHINGTON, ANY GIVEN SUNDAY

Look, I get that Julian Washington (LL Cool J) is a diva and one of the most selfish football players in on-screen history. However, this is a fantasy squad. I just need him to rack up yards and touchdowns, not be a positive locker room presence. For one, he’s stout at 6’2”, 230lbs. For comparison, the Philadelphia Eagles’ Saquon Barkley, who had a league-leading 2,283 total yards and 14 total touchdowns in 2024, is 6’, 234lbs. On top of that, Washington is a proven league-leading RB, having rushed for 1,500 yards the year before joining the Miami Sharks. He also has a reputation for constantly trying to get paid. Sure, that means his own head coach called him a “mercenary,” but it also means he’s doing everything in his power to hit all his incentive clauses and set up his next contract in free agency. In fantasy, that sort of selfishness wins championships.

RUNNING BACK: RAY JENNINGS, DRAFT DAY

We don’t have a ton of game film on Ray Jennings (Arian Foster), but there are a few anecdotes that make him a worthy RB2. We know that in his final season at Florida State, he had more than 2,000 total yards and finished as a Heisman finalist, which was enough to get him drafted #7 overall. We also know that his dad, Earl Jennings (Terry Crews) was an NFL legend, so there are good genes at play. Lastly, we know the actor portraying Jennings, former NFL RB Foster, was a dual-threat fantasy stud before injuries derailed his career. With the idea that actors put themselves into their characters, it’s not a giant leap to think Jennings could produce much like Foster did in his heyday, notching three All-Pro teams and four Pro-Bowls while leading the NFL in rushing touchdowns twice.

WIDE RECEIVER: ROD TIDWELL, JERRY MAGUIRE

Podcaster Bill Simmons once estimated that Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) had about 1,550 yards on 110 catches over the course of the season in Jerry Maguire. That is elite production, especially in 1996. For comparison, in real life, the most receptions in 1996 belonged to Jerry Rice (108) and the most receiving yards belonged to Isaac Bruce (1,338). So, yeah, he would have been the league’s best wideout. Although he is a bit undersized, he makes up for it with his intensity, competitiveness, and “kwan,” showing elite speed, great hands, and complete reliability as both a deep threat and a player who isn’t afraid to go across the middle. I could go on, but honestly, the estimated numbers speak for themselves. Tidwell is a first-round talent.

WIDE RECEIVER: DEACON MOSS, THE LONGEST YARD

You might think this is a cheat, but I said, “no two players from the same movie.” The Longest Yard (1974) and The Longest Yard (2005) are scientifically proven to be two separate movies. In fact, Deacon Moss (Michael Irvin) isn’t even a character in the original. Therefore, we’re good. In any case, Moss is a big-bodied, physical wideout that dominates defensive backs to make tough catches in traffic, and his incredible hands make him an indispensable offensive weapon. There is much we could speculate about how Moss would translate prison-yard skills to the NFL, but much like Ray Jennings, we have a perfect real-life parallel. Irvin, known as “The Playmaker,” was a three-time All-Pro and five-time Pro-Bowler who averaged almost 1,300 yards, 83 receptions, and seven touchdowns per season during his prime. The dude is an NFL Hall of Famer, and these numbers aren’t out of reach for Moss, whose inclusion is a no-brainer. When paired with Tidwell, that’s a 1-2 fantasy punch at WR that would be untouchable.

TIGHT END: BRIAN MURPHY, THE REPLACEMENTS

Much like real fantasy football, TE is slim pickings in fictional fantasy football too. After much research, Brian Murphy (David Denman) is the only fictional TE I could find with any usable profile. All evidence points to him having been a first-round talent if only he weren’t deaf, which is a good start. Former NFL fullback Derrick Coleman, also deaf, has shown that the hearing-impaired can have some NFL success. So, why not Murphy? He has the size and hands to be, if nothing else, a decent target in the red zone, as demonstrated by catching the game-winning, playoff-clinching touchdown against the Dallas Knights. At worst, he’s probably touchdown dependent, but that is all you can really hope for with most TEs, anyway.

FLEX: BUDDY, AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER

Wherever I happen to be as you’re reading this right now, just know that I can feel you rolling your eyes into another dimension. Just hear me out… First, yes, Buddy (Rush, Chase, Zak, and Chance) is a dog, but he’s also a multi-sport star. Name another athlete that has proven to be competitively successful in football, basketball, soccer, baseball, and volleyball. Second, name one person who could keep up with a golden retriever that runs the 40-yard dash in about 2.7 seconds. Given his speed and agility, Buddy is a matchup nightmare. Plus, it’s noted that he could run a marathon, so he has endurance too. As it pertains to football, specifically, he averages at least three touchdowns per game with zero drops. In the championship game alone, he has at least 140 rushing yards, 100 receiving yards, and three touchdowns. He averages 40 yards after the catch! You may think it’s silly to include him here, but those are Madden numbers, making for an unstoppable flex. It remains to be seen if he would be the highest scoring player in all of fantasy, but he’ll almost certainly be a very good boy, nevertheless.

KICKER: LUCY DRAPER, NECESSARY ROUGHNESS

Lucy Draper (Kathy Ireland), a soccer player, is essentially the only offensive threat on a terrible team, which means since drives will inevitably stall in enemy territory, she will be inundated with field goal chances. She has also shown the ability to split the uprights in the driving rain and from distance with the game on the line, demonstrating the type of clutch poise that would make Ray Finkle jealous. Let’s not forget that she also stood up to an opposing player in tremendous fashion after being taunted for being a woman in a “man’s game,” so she’s got the moxie typical of most successful football players.

DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS: UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA, FORREST GUMP

I admit, this one may be a cheat. Yes, I said no real people, but even as I recognize the University of Alabama is a real team, I’m drafting it for a very specific and very fictional reason: Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks). If you don’t play fantasy football, you may not know that, in addition to scoring fantasy points based on how many real points your fantasy defense gave up in a real game, you usually get points for kickoff and punt return yards and touchdowns too. Gump was a machine on that front, even becoming an All-American for seemingly doing little else but returning kickoffs for touchdowns (in the movie, at least). Now, Gump attended Alabama from 1959 to 1963. I don’t know anything else about the rest of Alabama’s team in the world of Forrest Gump, but in real life, Alabama went 38-4-1 during that time, including winning the national title in 1961 when they only gave up 25 total points in 11 games. I also know that Gump had six kickoff returns for touchdowns in his first season (both the real-life NCAA and NFL record is four in a season), one of which was for 99 yards. Lastly, in 2024, the average touchdowns scored by a DST was 1.6 (the Denver Broncos had the most with five). That includes touchdowns stemming from interceptions, fumble recoveries, kickoff returns, and punt returns. If Gump can continue breaking return touchdown records while racking up return yards in support of an apparently stout defensive unit, that creates a significant advantage over every other team.