BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Ariana Greenblatt, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis, Florian Munteanu, Edgar Ramírez, and Jack Black
Director: Eli Roth
NICK
Knowing relatively nothing about the game, I can only speak on Borderlands as a film, and as a film, it’s truly terrible. The decision to turn this IP into a PG-13 affair has completely castrated it of the violence the game is known for – something even more perplexing since Eli Roth directed it – while the story feels like a mish-mash of better movies. Even the “surprises” can be seen coming a mile away. I wish I could at least say good things about the performances, but everyone is woefully miscast, and the chemistry within the team is non-existent. Borderlands is a complete and utter misfire.
ADRIANO
Have you ever watched a movie so bad that it retroactively ruined your day? That's Borderlands. I have no relationship with the games, but judging the film on its own merit, it's visually bland, emotionally empty, and hilariously cliché. And you might be thinking, "that's ok, as long as it's fun." There is nothing fun about this movie. It’s not at all funny, and the action is boring. The ensemble doesn’t have any chemistry with each other, and for a game franchise known for its hyper-mature rating, this movie is toned down to suspicious degrees. It’s a shitshow in every way.
AMARÚ
Watching Borderlands must feel like what Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis felt having to do one for “them.” Seriously, I watched it so none of you have to, but if you must… here’s my tip for not walking out of the theater like the one other person in my showing: zone out through the sci-fi clichés and video-game-checkpoint Macguffins until Blanchett does something cool, Kevin Hart says something funny, or one percent of Jack Black’s lines makes you smirk. Too bad none of that happens. I did laugh hysterically when they used that one song from Twilight’s baseball scene, though. There is that.
