October 9, 2024
WRITTEN BY: AMARÚ
The Ocean’s franchise is one of my top three franchises of all time. In fact, as I grew up realizing the darker, grittier, more gangster crime films of the Scorsese ilk, while objectively amazing, were not films I enjoyed rewatching after a first go ‘round, I simultaneously was going through my fifth, sixth, and 27th rewatch of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and crew having an absolute blast showcasing the flashier side of crime. So, when 2024 came with two crime films featuring Ocean’s alum and vibes (The Instigators with Matt Damon and Casey Affleck, and Wolfs with Clooney and Pitt), I was more than happy to visit a new criminal underworld with a familiar crew. A crew that, if any combination of them is doing a heist, I will watch sight unseen.
More broadly speaking, though, heist movies are simply one of my favorite types of movies, and the main reason is the camaraderie, as well as the specific dynamics and individual roles, of the crew doing the heisting. Given that, I wanted to scour the history of cinematic stick-ups to put together a heist crew that lives up to (or surpasses) Danny Ocean (Clooney) & company. Join me as I build my ultimate six-man heist crew, consisting of The Con Artist, The Demolition, The Tech Support, The Driver, The Right Hand, and The Mastermind.
THE CON ARTIST: EAMES (TOM HARDY), INCEPTION
Without someone on the inside, there’s a very good chance you aren’t even getting in the door. The Con Artist, otherwise known as your Inside Man, is THE first step in planning out your heist, so this must be the first person chosen for the team. For me, there isn’t a better choice than Eames. Yes, his cons technically take place in the mind, but look at what he did before he ever entered a dream. He did a massive amount of research on Robert and Maurice Fisher (Cillian Murphy and Pete Postlewaite, respectively), and he stalled the Cobalt enforcers before they could capture Leonardo DiCaprio’s Cobb in Mombasa. Consider those examples proof that he is just as convincing and physically capable outside of the mind as he is inside it. Plus, the attention to detail needed to convince a person’s brain that you carry the cadence, stride, mannerisms, and looks of another person is something that is essential to gaining the trust of your target. Eames not only has the mental acuity and charm to get your crew inside, but also the work ethic to make sure you know every aspect of that target.
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL: Frank Abagnale Jr. (Leonardo DiCaprio), Catch Me If You Can (and real life)
THE DEMOLITION: JOE BANG (DANIEL CRAIG), LOGAN LUCKY
Truth be told, I was having difficulty trying to figure out if I wanted to add The Muscle, The Safe Cracker, or The Weapons Expert as the most physical piece of this heist crew puzzle. In the end, I landed on The Demolition, mostly because you can blow up a safe you can’t crack, you must be fearless to deal with death at any moment, and if that slightly crazy person is going to deal with bombs, they most likely will be able to deal with a few firearms and other weapons as well. The person I want doing all of that with my crew is the right little bit of brave (aka crazy) and the exact correct amount of explosive, which puts Bang at the top of the list. He can create small and large explosives from damn near anything (two bleach pens and some gummy bears, to be exact), he can crack safes if bombs are too conspicuous, and, dammit, he is just fun to be around. A man of science AND a man of entertainment is exactly what’s needed to break the walls of a safe and break the tension of a heist.
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL (OR IF YOU CAN’T BREAK BANG OUT OF JAIL): Darby (Dale Soules), Lightyear
THE TECH SUPPORT: LUTHER STICKELL (VING RHAMES), MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE
Currently, it is, The Year of Our Lord, 2024. There is no security system in the world that is not using some sort of technological advances to keep their booties safe. However, for those who are smart, there are going to be analog-based safeguards to back up the most technologically up-to-date security systems, which means there are legions of young men and women making it their life’s mission to hack them. That’s why I need someone with 30+ years of experience both inside and outside the law. A person who can hack security systems, break into government facilities, stay calm under the pressures of a ticking clock, guide crew members through labyrinths of corporate offices, and utilize a multitude of high- and low-tech devices to fit every single technological edge. Stickell is that guy for every job. Let’s not forget that he has been disavowed just as many times (if not more) than Ethan Hunt, yet he has continued to prove time and time again that he knows how to win against all odds. Plus, he is on the automatic shortlist for probably the second most important member of the crew behind its mastermind (see below).
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL: Lyle (Seth Green), The Italian Job
THE DRIVER: RANDALL “MEMPHIS” RAINES (NICOLAS CAGE), GONE IN 60 SECONDS
There are certain specialists in a crew you can get away with not having: a Grease Man, a Gunman, a Financier, to name a few. However, you always, always, ALWAYS need a getaway driver. Someone who can take anything on wheels to get you from point A to point B, not only in a timely manner, but also in one piece. With this being a rule and not an exception for all heists, there are plenty of fictional drivers that could feasibly fill this spot. My personal favorite is the one who is reluctant to do it unless absolutely necessary. He has put his criminal days behind him to live a normal life because he knows the dangers of stealing, and more importantly, the dangers of high-speed getaways. For me, that’s Memphis. He becomes one with every vehicle when he gets behind the wheel, knows the ins and outs of each part, and can maneuver in tight spaces as well as large freeways and makeshift ramps. There may be more technically skilled stunt drivers on the market, but I don’t think there is another driver I would trust more to make the right decision behind the wheel than Raines
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL: Miles “Baby” (Ansel Elgort), Baby Driver
THE RIGHT HAND: LOU MILLER, (CATE BLANCHETT), OCEAN’S 8
The second most important member of the crew, maybe even the first depending on the leader, is The Right Hand. This member is the point person that most of the crew look to on a day-to-day basis while The Mastermind is out doing mastermindy things. They know almost everything that’s happening at any point of the set-up, heist, and getaway; they are a jack-of-many-trades; and they are the glue that holds the ragtags together. Above all that, though, they are the “No” man. They are there to tell the leader when their head is too far up their ass, the plan isn’t going to work as conceptualized, or when revenge is risking the entire operation. Lou is never afraid to be the “No”… woman. She knows she could run the crew if she wanted, but her loyalty and friendship are much more important than her ego. She is there to drop everything (even her own operation) to be there for her partner, to tell her partner when she is in over her head, and to organize the back-up to the back-up’s back-up when all other back-ups fail. Plus, everyone likes her. When Willy Bank (Al Pacino) threatened Danny Ocean with “people who really know how to hurt,” Ocean highlighted how that wouldn’t work because he knew all the guys Bank would hire, and “they like me better than you.” That level of likability and loyalty are going to get you much further in this game than just about anything else, and Lou has it in spades.
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL: Luis (Michael Peña), Ant-Man
THE MASTERMIND: ASSANE DIOP (OMAR SY), LUPIN
The only member of the crew not from a film, Assane Diop can do all of the jobs mentioned above and more, and quite possibly do them more efficiently, less violently, and with greater success. He has been the mastermind of the most elaborate heists in all of Europe for decades, yet he hasn’t been caught. He is charming, intelligent, physically capable, a master of disguise, and can see five to ten steps ahead of just about everyone, doing all of this while garnering the loyalty of fellow criminals, family members, and even police detectives that initially were sent to capture him. The crew needs to be confident in the person who puts the plan together, believe in their conviction, understand and accept their motivation, and know that they have thought of every possible scenario that can and will go wrong before the first heist member is even put in place. Nobody checks all those boxes more than the student of the ultimate fictional thief, Arsene Lupin, nobody checks those boxes with as much charm and loyalty to his family, and nobody is better equipped to be a leader of the ultimate heist crew than the ultimate gentleman thief. I’d follow Diop into a criminal lifestyle confident I would make it out better on the other side.
BACK UP IF DEAD OR IN JAIL: Dalton Russell (Clive Owen), Inside Man