THE TITULAR FTK AWARD

Alfred Milano (Noah Bromley), Final Destination Bloodlines 

I repeat… if you know you know. I came up with the idea for these awards after watching this annoying, undisciplined, rude, self-centered, punk-ass, “who’s child is this?” kid be the cause of all the horrible things that happen to the Reyes family in Bloodlines. He embodies my daily mantra, the perfect example of a child who knows better and straight up chooses to be an asshole. I personally decided to add racist to the list of this demon spawn’s characteristics because, in the late 1960s, he fakes being respectful to the Black attendant of the Sky View who warns him not to toss the penny off the tower. I am probably wrong in that assumption, but I don’t give a damn because this kid sucks. We all prayed that it was coming, then we all saw it coming, and then we all cheered when it finally came: the MVP of the film, the most cathartic piano in 2020s cinema. Thank you, you beautifully heavy percussion instrument for delivering the justice we all desired and handing The Penny Kid his “Titular FTK” award for 2025. He truly deserves it.

THE SOURPATCH KID AWARD

Ronnie Shields (Bobb’e J. Thompson), Role Models 

There’s a huge difference between children who are straight up assholes, and those you would call loveable assholes. Yes, they can be vulgar, and yes, they can be disrespectful, but underneath it all, they are actually really funny. You often have to walk away for fear of them seeing you laugh when they get a good joke off at another person’s expense. Once you get to know them, the best way to describe them is that, at first, they’re sour, then they’re sweet. That’s Ronnie from Role Models. If you have ever watched Bobb’e J. Thompson, you know the exact skillset he has for this award. If you haven’t seen Role Models, you should remedy that because you are missing his best use of those skills. Before Ronnie is set up with his court-mandated “Big Brother,” Wheeler (Seann William Scott), he had scared off every other “Big” he’d been paired with, and things start off the same way between him and Wheeler. However, the things you’d expect to happen when Scott and Thompson team up gradually come to fruition as they realize they are the adult and child versions of each other. They bond over superficial likes (boobies) and underlying trauma (father abandonment), quickly endearing you to both characters. So, between the funny disses, character growth, hilarious dynamic, Kiss face paint, and unavoidable charm that Thompson oozes throughout this R-rated romp, you can’t help but love every asshole tendency that Ronnie displays to season the truly sweet child underneath.

MOST LIKELY TO TRY TO STEAL YOUR GIRL AWARD

Edmund Pevensie (Skander Keynes), The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe 

Thank goodness there are two more movies for Edmund to show his worth, because in 85% of the first Narnia film, Edmund is the absolute worst kind of jealous and whiny. It’s bad when those you thought were your friends are people who see what you have and want to take it from you. It’s even worse when it’s your own brother. From the start of the film, Edmund thinks of only himself, putting his siblings in danger because of it. While literal bombs are being dropped on his home, Edmund runs back to grab a picture of his father but gets mad when his older brother Peter (William Moseley) scolds him after having to put his life in danger to save him. On the surface, this looks brave and dumb on Edmund’s part, but then you see how he betrays his siblings out of jealousy for the low price of a TURKISH FUCKING DELIGHT. Then, he lies on his little sister Lucy (Georgie Henley) about seeing Narnia just so he doesn’t look crazy. THEN after he is caught in his lie and “apologizes” to Lucy, he leads his siblings to the White Witches’ (Tilda Swinton) castle because he can’t help but choose poor judgment, self-victimization, and envy over the kindness, leadership, and patience his three siblings demonstrate around him. First-film Edmund would 100% lie about you to your girlfriend just to slide into her DMs after y’all breakup. Bro… all it took was Turkish Delights???

THE GOOD DAKOTA FANNING AWARD

Lupita “Pita” Ramos (Dakota Fanning), Man on Fire 

When thinking about Dakota Fanning and her very successful child-acting career, the “annoying kid” performance that usually gets brought up is that of Tom Cruise’s daughter in War of the Worlds (originally that was going to win the “Bad Dakota Fanning” Award, but then I realized I don’t remember anywhere near enough about that film). That’s not the performance that stuck out to me for these awards, though. Her ability to live up to and match the greatest actor of all time in one of his most entertaining, brutal, complex, and bad-ass films is the one that stands above the rest. Plus, in addition to Denzel Washington, she also had to contend with charisma personified in Christopher Walken. The range of achievements unlocked while acting alongside these giants is astounding. Pita outwits Washington’s John Crease in their car rides to school, faking him out when she deservedly cries by jumping out the car just to move to the backseat when he’s being an asshole. She gets most of the license plate number of the bad guys tailing them. And more importantly, she eloquently and charmingly chips away at Crease’s hard exterior to create the cutest relationship between pseudo father-and-daughter you may ever see. The swimming training montages between them makes you want to be Pita’s father, her loving nickname for John (Creasy Bear) makes your heart absolutely melt, and the screams she screams for Creasy before, during, and after she is kidnapped make you want to burn the world down. We love you Pita, and we believe you with every fiber of our being when you say you love Creasy.

THE RIGHT KID DIED AWARD

Beau Abbott (Cade Woodward), A Quiet Place 

The pattern of these awards so far has vacillated between kids I couldn’t stand and kids I quite enjoyed on screen. Based on the title of this one, you might be thinking “insert Friday DAYUUUUM meme here” and “what did this kid do for you to hate him that much?” In actuality, though, this is the perfect final award of the night because it straddles the love/hate line nicely while ultimately being an award Woodward can be proud of. For me, Beau is the MVP of this film, both for the audience and for his family. For one, he gave me one of my favorite theater experiences ever. Sitting in a Magic Johnson theater in Harlem, New York, when Beau gets snatched by the Death Angel, the crowd went from pin-drop silent to “AAYYYOOOOOO” batshit bonkers. That set up not only the film’s top notch entertainment value, but also how director John Krasinski was playing no games with the stakes as he showed that everyone can get got, no matter their age. Even more so, Beau’s demise is a key reason the rest of the family is able to live so long. In a world where any sound will get you killed, it was inevitable that a young child wasn’t going to understand the gravity of the situation. His mother, father, and slightly older siblings will never forget the lesson the youngest member of the Abbott family taught them in death. Beau, I’m sorry it had to be you, but we all are thankful for your sacrifice. We salute you, young sir.