5. CUJO

Synopsis: Cujo, a friendly St. Bernard, contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on an American farm

Right off the bat, pun intended, we are stretching the parameters of this article’s thesis by spotlighting Cujo since the real star of the movie is the St. Bernard. Thus, he must remain in his current form; however, every human character that falls victim to Cujo's rabid rampage could be switched out for puppets so the audience could see the stuffing fly! 

Granted, it is a smaller cast, but most of them, especially the fodder for Cujo’s maiming, are caricatures with less depth and soul than Jim Henson’s creations anyways, so nothing is lost in translation. Imagine the Trenton family, comprised of Kermit, Ms. Piggy, and Robin, doing their best to survive a killer dog while side Muppets like Sweetums and Bobo the Bear, given their closer relation to mindless creatures, serve as the mechanic and alcoholic neighbor who first notice Cujo’s transformation and are powerless against him. Even though in the realm of Muppets they are huge, they would pale in comparison to a 200-pound murder machine. 

You might think it out of place for Muppets to be tortured in such a fashion, but their resemblance to stuffed animals would make the horror show a little more palatable, a little zanier, and it could teach kids about who to trust with the health of their car in a less harrowing way. If you have a dog, you know what wanton destruction of property looks like, so why not be entertained as it is happening?

4. THE LONG WALK

Synopsis: A group of teenage boys compete in an annual contest known as "The Long Walk," in which they must maintain a certain walking speed or get shot.

Given the crowded history of King-inspired media, The Long Walk’s inclusion might reek of recency bias, but beneath the layers of darkness and despair is a feeling of hopefulness for the competitors. Muppet stories are generally inspirational, and while the conflicts within those stories aren’t quite as violent, they do test their mettle and push them to their limits.

Originally, I considered Cooper Hoffman’s Raymond Garraty as the lone human, thinking about him juxtapositioned with either two- or eight-foot-tall walkers, trying to prop him up to keep him alive or ragging on the guys defecating in the streets. Then, I remembered there is an actor involved with extensive scene experience alongside Jim Henson creations. 

Picture the long and lonesome highways populated by only the fifty men trying to earn generational wealth in an impoverished future. Now picture them as puppets being screamed at by Mark Hamill’s The Major to “flex that sac.” I mean, if he can help make us weep at Yoda’s passing, he can certainly inspire the Muppets to hate him enough to want him dead.

3. CARRIE

Synopsis: Carrie White — a shy, friendless teenage girl who is sheltered by her domineering, religious mother — unleashes her telekinetic powers after being humiliated by her classmates at her senior prom.

We have seen the Muppets as babies, and we have seen them as “adults” in the workforce, but a gap has always existed between those periods. We’ve never seen them as adolescents. Enter Carrie, where Sissy Spacek stays in her role as Carrie White, but her peers, her bullies, and most importantly, her mom, are now taken over by felted costars.

I could see Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem performing at the prom prior to the splashing of the pig’s blood (no harm to Ms. Piggy or Link Hogthrob to set up that prank, mind you). You could also have the Penguins or Whatnots in the background as victims of Carrie’s rampage. Perhaps Camilla the Chicken is Miss Collins, who unfortunately meets her demise at the hands of a falling backboard. 

Whatever assignments you foresee for rounding out the cast, it would be satisfying to see Carrie show no mercy to her adversaries as she crushes, electrocutes, and burns out the entirety of the school, but in this case, with less gore. Also, seeing the Muppets navigate a Brian De Palma universe would be worth the price of admission alone. “Jesus loves everybody, Momma” …especially the Muppets.

2. THE RUNNING MAN

Synopsis: In a future dystopian America, a wrongfully accused and convicted policeman gets his shot at freedom when he's forced to participate in a TV game show where convicts called Runners must battle killers for their freedom.

To this point, the main crux of my choices has been centered around the terrifying situations the Muppets would occupy in these hypothetical updates to lighten the material. For 1987’s The Running Man, it centers entirely on the sole human participant. 

Looking back through history, there has been very little crossover between the Muppets and Arnold Schwarzenegger, which seems like an outright crime. On Sesame Street, they did some skits and fake characters based on Arnie, but beyond some mild talk show appearances, there weren’t occasions for them to play off one another. Everything about this matchup is the zenith of what you want: the physical disparity, the vacillation of Arnie between his moods of serious action star and goofy action star, and his one-liners coalescing perfectly in a puppet movie, especially against Fozzie Bear as a sinister Killian, for instance.

From the Muppet side, getting to see them use the media for scaremongering as a real insight into the future is how evil puppets should be utilized, perhaps with Statler and Waldorf providing their effervescent commentary and then getting arrested by secret police. Finally, the Swedish Chef ending up as a Stalker against Arnie and his fellow Runners, watching him come to an end while singing about cutting up chickens is why 1980’s action satires exist. We can fight if you disagree.

1. IT

Synopsis: In 1960, seven pre-teen outcasts fight an evil demon who poses as the child-killing clown, Pennywise. Thirty years later, they reunite to stop the demon once and for all when it returns to their hometown.

Clowns vs. Muppets is a Godzilla vs. Kong-level battle that a reimagining of It can establish for a willing viewing public. Every prior choice on this list has relied on an element of carnage against stuffed toys, but Pennywise’s brutality and comically deranged gore would kick that up to an epic level.

Now, there are a few iterations of It, including the recent television series Welcome to Derry, all of which feature our favorite murderous clown and would satisfy the need to see our favorite puppets in his clutches. However, one of our Pennywise portrayers was instrumental in the popularity of another iconic Muppet property: Muppet Treasure Island. No shade to Bill Skarsgård, who has the range to play Pennywise opposite puppets and be silly and sinister, but Tim Curry in the original miniseries could do no wrong. Also, as has been proven through a long career, Curry can sing and dance while being as scary or as goofy as called for in any situation. 

Finally, the Muppets just feel more appropriate for a 1990s miniseries than the more-cinematic version of Derry as played out in the 2017 film. Even though the Muppets have had some success in the 21st century, their feel of nostalgia is more at home with being on network television.